Captain’s Log – Day 4

Captain’s Log

Less than a week into my journey, I have already made the most significant discovery of my career: I, Captain Thad Fackler, have encountered living, breathing, pulsating proof of intelligent design. Behold.


I put it to you, dear Contact Division Review Board, that this which you look upon even now cannot possibly be the product of any natural process of trait selection. Suborbital system scans prove conclusively that no civilization capable of gengineering this abomination has ever established itself within this system. These facts point to a single conclusion: God exists, and he has a perverse sense of humor.


Orange, pulsating, four-eyed, blue-haired pineapple people notwithstanding, my journey proceeds apace. After taking the afternoon following the aforementioned discovery to sit on a mountainside in quiet meditation, I have returned to my duties. Onward and upward.

May you, like the pineapple people, frolic in peace.

Ad majorem Dei gloriam

Captain’s Log: Supplemental

Further investigation of the planet of the pineapple people reveals that standard issue Federation sensor arrays are cheap Chinese pieces of shit. About a klick up the valley I found the ruins of some long-lost civilization, indicating that the pineapple people are most likely genetically modified from some local stock.


My faith has been discarded as quickly as it was found. Incidentally, I still pass the automated psych evaluation battery included with the standard issue survival pack, though whether this should be interpreted as a validation of my own sanity or of the rank incompetence of Federation psychiatric personnel remains to be seen.

Preliminary surveys of the site would indicate that this may have been built by a species predisposed to the manufacture of baklava. Here’s hoping.

Captain’s Log: Supplemental

No baklava, though I did manage to decipher some of the surviving hieroglyphs within the structure. I have learned the word for “Dinnerplate” in the language of these aliens. I do not anticipate that this information will be of any particular utility in the foreseeable future.


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